A Time to Listen.....

For those of you reading this blog that know me or follow me on social media,  you're already aware that I have spent the last five to six years with an intensity increasing during the last three years on weight loss. I have tried schedules, meal plans, work out plans, a nutritionist, diet, exercise, fasting, cleansing... you name it, I've done it. And it hasn't worked. Not because I don't have will power or determination or the power to see it through or stick it through (a generalized reason given by many health care professionals as to why people don't lose weight). Will power and determination are not really issues for me or areas in which I am lacking. Neither is persistence. I'm what you would call an all or nothing person, and once my mind is made up, I'm all in. My mind has been made up on wanting to address my weight for quite a while now. But what I've tried HAS. NOT. WORKED.  Today, I discovered why.

I've been approaching weight loss one dimensionally--focusing on the physical. Calories in vs calories out. Weight training, cardio, etc. Which is good. But the reason I'm heavy isn't physical (at least solely physical...not even the majority of the reason), it's psychological. I grew up in a co-dependent home and was sexually violated at a young age. Both of these contributed to the loss and suppression of my voice, of my ability to speak for myself, my thoughts, my wants, my feelings, my desires, my needs, my boundaries. And so weight became a way to meet my needs.  Distort my body and make it as undesirable as I could. Destroy it. Make sure no body wants it or you. Then everyone will leave you alone and you'll be safe and no one will ever hurt you again. It's the only way I knew how to protect myself as a child--suppress who I am, disappear and become undesirable. But, as I've come to learn, this is all one big bullshit filled lie. (Thank God shit is fertilizer right? Hallelujah for hope). Weight for me is essentially my F You to the world and my invitation for the world to stay as far away from me as possibly. And by world I mean men, specifically men to whom I am attracted or who find me attractive.  Don't touch me, don't even want to touch me.  Because I don't trust you or your touch and I don't want to be touched until I trust you.  My weight issue isn't really about weight. It's about a deep violation that occurred in my life and distorted my relationship with God, food, self, others, etc. And while calories in vs. calories out can address the physicality of it, it does NOTHING to address the emotional realities swimming inside me. Welcome to why I have dropped weight only to gain it back. Until I address the emotional, holistic realities of my weight, the weight lost will not be sustainable for me.

Calories in vs Calories out does nothing to address that being desirable to someone scares the shit out of me. A good workout doesn't address or restore the violation that occurred in my life. My burst training, while bringing me immense joy because I enjoy it (yes, I said it. I enjoy it!) doesn't cultivate my voice in this broken area of my life. It empowers me one dimensionally, but I need to be holistically empowered in this area if the results are going to last. I need to be holistically restored in this area.

I've spent the majority of my adult life working with people who have been deeply devastated and violated in life. And one of the most important lessons I have learned in the process is the power of listening, the restoration of listening. In listening we give the voiceless a chance to take their voice back, to have a voice, to discover their voice and tell their story and in telling their story discover their story and themselves. <------I think this is why I love story (ies) so much.

I'm going to keep working out. And I'm going to keep making healthy choices. But more importantly, I'm going to begin to deeply listen to myself. To create space for the areas of my life that have been devastated, that have been suppressed and oppressed and violated. I'm going to stop denying them their rights and start hearing their stories and learn the wisdom these devastations and violations have to teach me. It's going to be glorious. It's going to be messy. It's going to be difficult. F it. I'm all in. And I'm all in with a God whose promise is to not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. (Isaiah 66:9).

I've spent my whole life scared of this story, of the pain held in these stories of childhood devastation. But I believe too greatly in my right now and future to let my fear of the pain held in these stories to hold me back. It's time for the pain in my life to teach me, and to be restored and healed, and grow and learn. It's time to listen. To not be afraid to hear the ugly lies I believe, or the beautiful truths I've learned. To cry with me, love me, embrace me for who I am today and to hold the parts of me that have been so devastated. It's time to have empathy with myself--to kick perfectionism to the curb and allow myself to be human. It's time to holistically develop my voice and story, and holistically face the day. My story is my story and it's absolutely beautiful and I love it. It's messy. It's unconventional. It's fascinating. And it's mine. Who knows? Maybe one day it will be a best seller. ;)

Letting Go

Letting Go.

Those two words side by side conjure so much in me, especially when it comes to relationships.

Fear. What if I let them go and they never return?  What if they're not who I thought they were?
Failure: I couldn't make the relationship work.

Regret, Heartache, Sorrow, and Shame all words that try to tag along.

And yet, maybe the greater truth is hope; is new beginnings; is a chance to start over, to redefine what has been into what will be. A chance to learn from what was and celebrate the beauty of it, while letting go and pressing into what's next.

I loved my time in California, but had I not been willing to let go, I would not be in St Paul right now, living in a season of beauty, happiness, and joy. I love where I live, the friends I have here and relationships I am building here. I love my job. I love the dreams I am working towards and building. I love the liquor/bar collection we are building atop our fridge. I love our cute cozy little kitchen, and the smell of incense that fills the candlelit apartment. I love walking the streets with the freshly turning leaves displaying vibrant beauty. I love the tattooed beauties running down the streets, coming into my bar, serving me at other establishments, running next to me at the gym. I love the diversity that fills University Ave. I love the Cathedral. I love who I am in this place, and what this place is teaching me. I love what the community surrounding me brings out in me, and the joy and delight I have in being in relationship with them. I love that my basement is a famous bar/burger joint and bowling alley. I love the hipsters that litter my neighborhood, the co-ops, the breweries, the specialty shops. I love that my obscure dreams are starting to form.

It doesn't mean I love California any less. But I let go of what was; of what was not working, and pressed into an unknown that held what I wanted. I took a risk. I let go. And letting go allowed me to be open to this glorious place of life.

Here's to applying this wisdom to the areas in which it scares me most. It's time to let go.