Breaking the Silence: My Thoughts on Ferguson

I'm supposed to be working on my school work right now. I have a course project due in 2 weeks that's already riding a 3-month extension. (What can I say, life has been crazy). But as I sit here reading and reporting on author's such as John M. Perkins, Ray Bakke, Brenda Salter McNeil, and others who have sacrificed their lives for urban work, namely that of racial reconciliation, I can no longer stay silent on the events of Ferguson, MO.

Many thoughts flood my mind around this event. A scene from the movie Crash fills my mind. In it, a white officer who in previous scenes stood up against his partner over racist actions his partner committed ends up drawing his gun and shooting a young black man who is reaching into his pocket to pull out the same patron saint figure said officer has on his dashboard.  Next, the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr fill my mind. "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." And then tears come.

I can think of two times I have blatantly been discriminated against because of my physical appearance in my life. One time growing up I overheard a guy say "but she's fat" as a reason not to hang out with me. The second was at a national speech tournament. In the round 2 of the 3 judges gave me the top speaker. The other gave me the bottom ranking. His only note on my score sheet was "make sure your tattoos are covered." Apparently my ankle tattoo was showing through my nylons and he didn't approve--it couldn't be the fact that I was talking about human trafficking and forced prostitution and maybe it hit too close to home....no...  Nonetheless, these are two times I have been judged and dismissed based solely on my physical appearance. And it hurt, deeply. But a tattoo was my choice, and I can lose weight. I cannot imagine what it's like to be a young person of color and be discriminated against for no other reason than you weren't born white. Even as I type this tears silently stream down my face. And what makes me upset is that the world around me seems somewhat undisturbed by this reality, with the exception of my friends of color. Why are we okay with this? Are we that numb to the realities our brothers and sisters face? If it was a blonde haired fair skinned white male would we be so passive?

To my black, brown, olive...to my non white friends, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for the divides that exist that create this reality in your life. I'm so sorry for my silence and the silence of the white majority.  I'm sorry that more people don't care. And I'm sorry that this is still the status quo today. I know my sorries don't make any of it right, but know my heart is grieving with you today over this reality. And I commit to doing what I can to make racial divides disappear in my lifetime.

I want to say we have come so far as a nation...as a people. I want to say we have made such progress and have grown in brother and sister hood. And in many ways we have. But we have so far to go.

You know what makes me really mad in all of this? I have friends posting about the Middle East (and please keep posting. That situation is a sad reality as well), but where are the posts about Ferguson? Where are the posts about the daily realities of our inner cities?! Where are the posts about the injustice that happens every day in America? Especially from those identifying with the Christian faith. How can you care so much about Israel, Palestine, abortion, and not care about the quality of life and blatant injustice taking place towards a segment of people in your own nation? Why are we not outraged by this and what this reveals? Why aren't we upset about the daily wars taking place in our backyard and inner cities? About the daily wars over our diamonds and resources needed to make our coveted technology? I am sad Robin Williams passed away, and yes we need to become advocates for depression and suicide...but does that deserve more attention than Ferguson and Michael Brown? My newsfeed is still filled with Robin Williams updates daily (and that's fine, I'm not condemning that, I know he was love and cherished by many and it's a deep loss felt). But  where are the posts on Ferguson? Where is the outrage over this injustice? Where is the sense of loss over this young man? And many like him?

This is not an anti-police rant. I know many police officers who really do where the badge to protect and serve. And I know the immense pressures and realities they face daily under the badge. For those that wear the badge, thank you for your service.

Rather this post is an anti-fear and anti-hate post. When will fear stop winning? Fear of the unknown, fear of the other, fear of safety (or unsafety). When will we choose love? When will we learn to embrace the other, the different, realizing how much we have to learn from those different than us... how much their perspective and lifestyle actually means to us and is necessary for us to grow and become more holistic humans?

I choose love. If in that process I die for choosing love, so be it. I would rather die for love than live in fear.

I'm going to post a challenge: If someone scares you, or feels like a stranger/other, or you judge someone based off appearance (color of skin, religion, tattoos, piercings, dyed hair, whatever your hang up is) make an effort to have a 5 minute conversation with them, seeking to find something you have in common. The more I engage with those different than me, the more I understand at the core of who we are we all want the same things: to love and be loved, to know and be known, to be valued, heard, cherished, and sought out. Stop looking for divides and start looking for why we're alike. After all, we're all in this journey together... this journey called life. How much better would it be if we acted like it?

Learning to be

This road trip has been one of the best decisions of my life.

I am so broken and raw and exposed right now. My heart is bleeding and weeping over loss and pain and broken relationships and devastation that I did not know reached as deep as it did in my heart. I hit traffic between Portland and Seattle on Sunday and spent the three-four in-between hours sobbing uncontrollably. Earlier that morning in church I had prayed for God to help me let go of some things I was holding on to.... things that were finally exposed in a way that made it obvious they needed to be let go of. My sobs came as I cried and prayed "Lord, I don't know how to let go." I'm not sure I yet know how to let go. But I know I'm letting go. I'm also pretty certain as I leave Seattle tomorrow and head towards Billings, much of the 13 hour car drive will be filled with sobs and wrestling with fear and uncertainty. But I'm feeling. I'm living. I'm alive.

One of my core life verse is Isaiah 61. In this chapter it is said that the Lord promises to bring "beauty for ashes, joy for mouring, praise for despair." It's what he does.

I have never been as raw and broken as I have on this trip. Yet I have been overwhelmed by the beauty and goodness of Lord. From the scenery, to the sweet moments of favor, to the dialogues with Papa God, to the new freedoms found, to connecting with cherished friends, and reconnecting with old friends, from sweet dinners to baseball games and the space in between, this trip has been marked and defined by beauty, goodness, and joy. To the people in my life who have blessed me along this journey--you have no idea the depth of gratitude and overwhelming love in my heart for you. My heart, in all its brokenness, has been loved and cherished so well through your kindness and love. I am in awe at the love poured out.

It's amazing to me I almost talked myself out of this. There was a more logical route to take. But I needed this trip. I needed this time. I needed this space. To grieve. To love. To transition from the only world I have known into the unknown.

People keep asking me what I'm doing in this next season. The only answer I can give is that I'm learning to be. And I'm healing. And I'm following Jesus. But after so many years of suppressing who I truly am for who I thought I needed to be, I am going to be Annie. I don't know what that means. I don't know what it looks like. And honestly, I don't care. I want to live each moment to the fullest, to experience the goodness and sweetness and wholeness of God poured out in my daily life, in all circumstance. I am going to live one day at a time, one moment at a time, the best I can. I am going to enjoy the day and the moments. I am going to breath in the sweetness of each moment and opportunity. I'm going to fall in love with me as I learn to be exactly who I am... no expectations, no limitations.

Always we begin again. I so I begin again. 

The Place Where I am Found

Thursday I started a road trip that I have been dreaming of for almost two years. In February, 2013 I was in an independent study course with a professor whose teaching transformed my life. During that course, as I talked to God about what was next and what I wanted, one of the desires I shared with God was that I wanted to take a massive West Coast road trip, from South Dakota to Seattle, down through Portland, Redding, Napa, Oakland, San Fran, and to Ventura to see this professor. At the time I had no idea that a short six months later I would be working in Ventura. However, due to a summer job in the midst of transitioning, there was no way my West Coast road trip would fit in with the move. 

Here I sit, less than two years later, in the middle of this dream. God's timing again proved better than mine. I am literally typing this from the middle of a dream come true. 

While only on day 3 of this trip, one thing is clear. This trip is marked by beauty. Check out these photos from the drive. 

And these photos don't include the beauty that was the 2 hours spent in the streets of San Francisco, driving through Napa, or the winding curvy breath taking roads of Northern California (lake Shasta). And these photos don't do justice to the beauty that has been.

During my drive I was on the phone with one of my best friends, sharing some of the things the Trinity had been speaking to me along the drive.

I am in the strangest of seasons right now. Everything I know, or have known, is so unclear. I have no idea "what I am going to do with my life." I'm going to borrow the words of a beautiful soul and explain it like this. My whole life I have focused on what I'm doing and what I'm going to do. In this season, my shift is to who I want to be, what do I want to be, what type of person do I want to be in this world. From that, the doing will flow. But in this period I feel lost. Yet I'm not lost. As I scrambled for the words to explain it to my friend, the only way I could describe it is "I am in the place where I am found."

There is something so hauntingly beautiful about that description, and my deep prayer has become that I will always stay in this place: in the place where I am found; in the place where I am discovered; in the place where I am known and can be known; in the place where I am at a loss, fully surrendered and secure in the absence of my own understanding; in the place where my demons hide; in the place where I face said demons; in the place where love wins; in the place where I'm transformed; in the place where my fears and insecurities are exposed; in the place where I create and come to be.

I don't have the answers that I had yesterday. And I no longer seek to know the answers. Rather, I press into the unknown and the mystery, finding that in that place there is only one sure thing.... and that sure thing--more than answers, more than riches, more than jobs, more than plans, more than a husband, more than a partner, more than _____________.....that one thing is more than enough to heal my soul and bring me contentment.

Today, I spend my time surrounded by beauty. As I type this, the second to last picture of the river flows steadily in the background. Birds chirp and sing. The crisp cool air soothes my skin. Friends dining and laughing fill the background noise. An expectant couple snaps a selfie before continuing their breakfast. Two birds, a sign of immense promise for me, land on the table next to me, and hop their way towards me, playing and grabbing bites of food they find along the way. The trees stand tall declaring beauty and time. While still raw and healing, my heart is content. Each breath of fresh air and beauty another piece of healing.


But the most beautiful scenary thus far on this road trip? Old friends reunited after a year and half apart.