I am an addict. Through and through it rings in my personality... in my DNA...in the core of who I am. Before you jump down my throat with the "that's your fallen identity and not who you are", please join me in holding tight that until the time comes for me to cross on over to the other side, I live in the fallen world, and while I am a new creation and daily being transformed, I am also very much living in the reality of my fallen self.
As Christians, we tend to live in one camp or the other. "I am a new creation, being made new, perfected in Christ. The old is gone, the new has come. Healing is possible. Heaven on earth is possible." OR "I am a dirty rotten sinner, no good apart from the love and salvation of God. I am horrible, sinful, deceitful, devious, covered in muck and junk in desperate need of someone or something to save me." Both of these hold truth. Both of these can be argued and supported thoroughly with Scripture. But neither is complete. Even when put together these camps hold flaws and beg for deeper revelation. Life isn't that black and white. It's messy...horribly gloriously messy. And it's full of color.
I am an addict. While deep in the recesses of my soul I have known this for almost 10 years, somewhere during the past few years I forgot the implications of what that means. I forgot that "social drinking" isn't really a term that works in my vocabulary. One leads to two leads to ten. Drinking once a month slips into twice a month into once a week into twice a week into daily. As strong as I am, alcohol is stronger. It outsmarts me. "I'm not drinking alone. I'm not out of control." But the truth is with each drink I slip further out of control. And I violate myself when drinking. I do things that, when in my sober mind, devastate me and crush me.
I quit drinking six days ago. It's amazing the clarity that has come in the past six days. My fellow addicts will feel me when I say these statements: "I had no idea how much I wasn't myself when I drank; how far removed from me I actually was. And in six days, while my physical body is somewhat on edge, I haven't felt more like myself in a long time."
I'm an addict. Through and through. And it's not just alcohol. I shared with one of my friends the other day that I haven't done cocaine or snorted a pill in nine-ish years. It is not a thought in my daily life. But if you left me alone in a room with cocaine and/or other pills and a dollar bill for 24 hours, I would be seriously tempted, if not blitzed out of my mind when you returned. I can't change that. I can't change the fact that I haven't been a smoker for 7+ years and in the last week I have had to seriously talk myself through why I don't smoke twice (It came down to my why for sobriety and health: because no matter how much my body screams for the substance, deeper still, at the core of who I am, I do not want to smoke. Or drink. Or do drugs. Or have meaningless sexual encounters. I do not want to throw myself away or dismiss myself in any way, shape or form). Which leads me to the biggy. Food. I quit drinking six days ago. The amount of sugar and fried food I have ingested in that time is, well, more than I quite honestly want to confess or deal with right now. And yet, it's time. It's time to boldly look at and face these areas of hiding, of running, of not dealing in my life.
I was sexually abused as a child. And since I was 14 I have spent my emotional energy building a system of life in which I would never have to confront the emotional terrors with which that reality threatens me. I felt out of control and powerless and so I became out of control and powerless since I wouldn't/couldn't/didn't know how to listen to my feelings. I felt abused and violated and so I became self-abusive and violating. It's time for these patterns to stop. And while I am scared shitless, deeper still I am ready because I have discovered that at the core of my soul I do no want to live the life I have been living. I want to live a life in harmony with myself; in wholeness with my self; at peace with myself; marked by happiness and health and joy in all circumstances. Gone are the days of choosing despair. I choose joy. I choose life. I choose health.
I bought a journal yesterday to record meal and workout plans as well as dialogue with myself about emotions surrounding or appearing during workouts and meals. I have entitled it "The Long Journey Home." Because it is a journey. It is long. And it's all about finding/going home.
Whoever you are today reading this, you're beautiful. Thanks for taking the time to read my heart, share in my story, and engage my journey. Know you are loved, prayed for, cared for and thought of; wanted and desired. I appreciate you and your love.
From the depths of soul and love,
AZ
