I am so broken and raw and exposed right now. My heart is bleeding and weeping over loss and pain and broken relationships and devastation that I did not know reached as deep as it did in my heart. I hit traffic between Portland and Seattle on Sunday and spent the three-four in-between hours sobbing uncontrollably. Earlier that morning in church I had prayed for God to help me let go of some things I was holding on to.... things that were finally exposed in a way that made it obvious they needed to be let go of. My sobs came as I cried and prayed "Lord, I don't know how to let go." I'm not sure I yet know how to let go. But I know I'm letting go. I'm also pretty certain as I leave Seattle tomorrow and head towards Billings, much of the 13 hour car drive will be filled with sobs and wrestling with fear and uncertainty. But I'm feeling. I'm living. I'm alive.
One of my core life verse is Isaiah 61. In this chapter it is said that the Lord promises to bring "beauty for ashes, joy for mouring, praise for despair." It's what he does.
I have never been as raw and broken as I have on this trip. Yet I have been overwhelmed by the beauty and goodness of Lord. From the scenery, to the sweet moments of favor, to the dialogues with Papa God, to the new freedoms found, to connecting with cherished friends, and reconnecting with old friends, from sweet dinners to baseball games and the space in between, this trip has been marked and defined by beauty, goodness, and joy. To the people in my life who have blessed me along this journey--you have no idea the depth of gratitude and overwhelming love in my heart for you. My heart, in all its brokenness, has been loved and cherished so well through your kindness and love. I am in awe at the love poured out.
It's amazing to me I almost talked myself out of this. There was a more logical route to take. But I needed this trip. I needed this time. I needed this space. To grieve. To love. To transition from the only world I have known into the unknown.
People keep asking me what I'm doing in this next season. The only answer I can give is that I'm learning to be. And I'm healing. And I'm following Jesus. But after so many years of suppressing who I truly am for who I thought I needed to be, I am going to be Annie. I don't know what that means. I don't know what it looks like. And honestly, I don't care. I want to live each moment to the fullest, to experience the goodness and sweetness and wholeness of God poured out in my daily life, in all circumstance. I am going to live one day at a time, one moment at a time, the best I can. I am going to enjoy the day and the moments. I am going to breath in the sweetness of each moment and opportunity. I'm going to fall in love with me as I learn to be exactly who I am... no expectations, no limitations.
Always we begin again. I so I begin again.
One of my core life verse is Isaiah 61. In this chapter it is said that the Lord promises to bring "beauty for ashes, joy for mouring, praise for despair." It's what he does.
I have never been as raw and broken as I have on this trip. Yet I have been overwhelmed by the beauty and goodness of Lord. From the scenery, to the sweet moments of favor, to the dialogues with Papa God, to the new freedoms found, to connecting with cherished friends, and reconnecting with old friends, from sweet dinners to baseball games and the space in between, this trip has been marked and defined by beauty, goodness, and joy. To the people in my life who have blessed me along this journey--you have no idea the depth of gratitude and overwhelming love in my heart for you. My heart, in all its brokenness, has been loved and cherished so well through your kindness and love. I am in awe at the love poured out.
It's amazing to me I almost talked myself out of this. There was a more logical route to take. But I needed this trip. I needed this time. I needed this space. To grieve. To love. To transition from the only world I have known into the unknown.
People keep asking me what I'm doing in this next season. The only answer I can give is that I'm learning to be. And I'm healing. And I'm following Jesus. But after so many years of suppressing who I truly am for who I thought I needed to be, I am going to be Annie. I don't know what that means. I don't know what it looks like. And honestly, I don't care. I want to live each moment to the fullest, to experience the goodness and sweetness and wholeness of God poured out in my daily life, in all circumstance. I am going to live one day at a time, one moment at a time, the best I can. I am going to enjoy the day and the moments. I am going to breath in the sweetness of each moment and opportunity. I'm going to fall in love with me as I learn to be exactly who I am... no expectations, no limitations.
Always we begin again. I so I begin again.
No comments:
Post a Comment