The Place Where I am Found

Thursday I started a road trip that I have been dreaming of for almost two years. In February, 2013 I was in an independent study course with a professor whose teaching transformed my life. During that course, as I talked to God about what was next and what I wanted, one of the desires I shared with God was that I wanted to take a massive West Coast road trip, from South Dakota to Seattle, down through Portland, Redding, Napa, Oakland, San Fran, and to Ventura to see this professor. At the time I had no idea that a short six months later I would be working in Ventura. However, due to a summer job in the midst of transitioning, there was no way my West Coast road trip would fit in with the move. 

Here I sit, less than two years later, in the middle of this dream. God's timing again proved better than mine. I am literally typing this from the middle of a dream come true. 

While only on day 3 of this trip, one thing is clear. This trip is marked by beauty. Check out these photos from the drive. 

And these photos don't include the beauty that was the 2 hours spent in the streets of San Francisco, driving through Napa, or the winding curvy breath taking roads of Northern California (lake Shasta). And these photos don't do justice to the beauty that has been.

During my drive I was on the phone with one of my best friends, sharing some of the things the Trinity had been speaking to me along the drive.

I am in the strangest of seasons right now. Everything I know, or have known, is so unclear. I have no idea "what I am going to do with my life." I'm going to borrow the words of a beautiful soul and explain it like this. My whole life I have focused on what I'm doing and what I'm going to do. In this season, my shift is to who I want to be, what do I want to be, what type of person do I want to be in this world. From that, the doing will flow. But in this period I feel lost. Yet I'm not lost. As I scrambled for the words to explain it to my friend, the only way I could describe it is "I am in the place where I am found."

There is something so hauntingly beautiful about that description, and my deep prayer has become that I will always stay in this place: in the place where I am found; in the place where I am discovered; in the place where I am known and can be known; in the place where I am at a loss, fully surrendered and secure in the absence of my own understanding; in the place where my demons hide; in the place where I face said demons; in the place where love wins; in the place where I'm transformed; in the place where my fears and insecurities are exposed; in the place where I create and come to be.

I don't have the answers that I had yesterday. And I no longer seek to know the answers. Rather, I press into the unknown and the mystery, finding that in that place there is only one sure thing.... and that sure thing--more than answers, more than riches, more than jobs, more than plans, more than a husband, more than a partner, more than _____________.....that one thing is more than enough to heal my soul and bring me contentment.

Today, I spend my time surrounded by beauty. As I type this, the second to last picture of the river flows steadily in the background. Birds chirp and sing. The crisp cool air soothes my skin. Friends dining and laughing fill the background noise. An expectant couple snaps a selfie before continuing their breakfast. Two birds, a sign of immense promise for me, land on the table next to me, and hop their way towards me, playing and grabbing bites of food they find along the way. The trees stand tall declaring beauty and time. While still raw and healing, my heart is content. Each breath of fresh air and beauty another piece of healing.


But the most beautiful scenary thus far on this road trip? Old friends reunited after a year and half apart.