Beauty For Ashes

I started counseling last week.

Years have been building to this moment in life; preparation for this season began years ago. Three to be exact. When I returned from Los Angeles the first time is when this season began; this season of deep restorative healing. I remember after nights of binge drinking I would awaken to hear the Lord speak "My mercies are new every morning." I would cry out in anger, wanting to take control, to fix the devastation and mess, to prove myself worthy of something beyond what I was living. In the midst of my broken, angry, hurting, un-understanding cries the Lord broke through to me and firmly whispered to my heart "I want you to sit in your mess and allow me to heal you."

That was my first step of surrender. I surrendered, on some level, that I was powerless to fix or heal myself. And so I resigned to the binges and to drinking, trusting that God would heal me; trusting that I didn't have to heal or fix myself, but that God would be faithful to see me through. I began to engage the faulty foundations that existed in my life, the faulty patterns, etc. I began to reconstruct my frame. I regained my voice and learned to stand up for myself. I learned that I have value and worth; that my viewpoint and perspective indeed do matter and are valuable gifts I offer to the world.

And then the time came when I was ready to confront my crutch, my rock and pillar that destroyed me, my love, my beloved…alcohol. And that revealed an even deeper lesson that I needed to learn.

17 years ago a reoccurring event began in my life that started a ticking time bomb within me. 14 years ago that bomb exploded. The best image I can use to describe my internal reality is this: Imagine a city, quaint and lovely. In the middle of that city a bomb goes off, creating a deep crater and covering the city in ash, paralyzing it from moving, from growing, from breathing, from living. This has been my life. This has been my living reality. Remnants of the beauty remain, but the people live among a sea of ashes.

I have this new theory in life. What is destroyed through relationship can only be restored through relationship.

My bomb was planted and detonated through relationship, a horrifically violating relationship. Rather than invite people into that crater, I blocked the world out and that part of me became ashes.

In my short three weeks on this journey of deep healing, I have learned that if I am going to heal, I have to let people into that ash covered city. I need people to come in, to sit, to touch, to experience, to explore, to help pull forth beauty from the wreckage.  14 years ago when that bomb went off I built a wall around that city; an impenetrable wall to keep anyone from getting in and any emotion from the wreckage from getting out. Thankfully addressing the foundations and starting to remove them has left those walls crumbling down.

It is the scariest thing I have ever done, inviting people into the wreckage of my life to sit, to touch, to speak, to love, to explore, to hold my hand, to meet my needs. There are days I want to bolt back into hiding, rebuild the wall, chuck the phone across the room, pull my hand away (and to be sure there are moments that I do). But that place inside of me is coming to life again. Through their love, their investment, my vulnerability and their fierce love in response, that crater is becoming a garden, and the city is beginning to be restored. There is a journey ahead to be sure, but my heart is coming back to life. I am coming back to life. I am beginning to experience life again. Emotions, feelings, colors, hopes, dreams, butterflies, all of the above. I am encountering deeper levels of who I am and finding that I actually quite enjoy myself. And I am risking everything in love, choosing love and willingly being vulnerable, knowing it may cost me everything, but choosing it none the less.

I am beginning to experience beauty for ashes. And its wonderful. Scary, dangerous, risky, exposed.  Wonderful. Joyous. Beautiful. Adventuresome. Delighting.

Today, I am alive, and awakening to deeper life. Absolutely stunningly breathtakingly wonderful.