Always, We Begin Again

I have been on a journey lately (well, by lately, I mean my entire life with actual understanding of the journey and a precision in focus the last 2-3 years). This journey has been the journey of discovering me; experiencing me; being me. To some of you this idea of discovering yourself may sound foreign or unnecessary or un-relatable. And that's ok. For me? It is everything.

I grew up in an environment of expectations. Unspoken (and sometimes spoken) rules and standards. There were certain ways you did things, and that was how they were done. There were certain expectations of what life looked like, and that's how you lived. In the midst of this environment, my soul encountered deep tragedy early on. My response to that tragedy has been self protection. And self protection took root in me becoming what I thought everyone wanted me to be, and killing/hiding/suppressing the parts of me that didn't fit the mold.

I sought to be the best at everything I did. During my partying days, I was the hardest partier. When I decided to follow Jesus, I became the most hard-core Christian (which for real... let's diagnose EVERYTHING wrong with that concept and understanding... the most "hard-core Christian?" What does that even mean?! here's what it meant to me ------>). There was a mold of what it meant to be a Christian. What it looked like. How you acted. What you did. In the culture I came to know Jesus it looked something like this: I quit drinking, smoking, swearing, using drugs. Sexuality quit existing. Hang outs became prayer meetings, worship sessions, bible studies, evangelism events. I read my Bible everyday, memorized Scripture, and knew my theology and could debate others theological. I stood up for the gospel in class. But in this I lost who I was.

Time out. Before you get all up in my business with your "But the Bible says we are to die to ourselves to gain Christ" business, let me just say YES I KNOW THAT. And yet held tight with that tension is that "Before I was formed, he knew me" and "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". It's this idea that Peter and Paul both died to themselves, but their journeys looked different because of WHO THEY WERE. I became what I thought I was supposed to be, and in that lost who I was...who I am. Then more tragedy and devastations came, and eventually I shut off completely.

My weight is the physical manifestation of this reality. A few months ago I was talking with Jesus about weight loss and one of the things he said to me in response to my heart was that it's going to take a while because this is a holistic journey. You see, I focus on weight loss at a physical level. But God is restoring me holistically in this journey. This is the journey of taking back what I shut off. What I lost. What I let go of but should have held on to. This is the journey of Annie. This is the journey of Andrea.  This is the journey of fullness and becoming me. And it's going to take time.

I am always so quick to want to get to the finish line. I rush everything. I want to arrive before I've even left. But in this process God is slowing me down to teach me. To show me. To help me enjoy me.

Always, we begin again.

I feel like I'm starting over today. But the truth is, we are starting over in each moment. Each moment of life is a moment pregnant with newness. I am restructuring my life and how I view and see things; how I dream and go after the world. I am learning to stop and smell the roses. I am learning to enjoy each moment. In that, I am learning to embrace and accept myself as I am in this moment. My tendency is to focus on where I am going (my top strengths on Strengthsfinders and Futuristic and Strategic...so this is like breathing to me).  And in that tendency I tend to see what I want and where I want to get to and focus on that and become disappointed when today I'm not in that, rather than stepping back and celebrating and acknowledging where I am today and basking in the glorious moment that is now; the glorious me that is now; this moment in time I will never get again.

There is so much to learn from rivers. Constantly flowing.

This is not where I intended to go with this post. I was going to write about the passions and emotions I have discovered and how I'm learning to listen to my desires to understand more of who I am and how I tick. And that post will probably come. Perhaps even later tonight. Perhaps next week. Perhaps over the course of my life. But this is where this post went, and that's ok.

Until next time, Know you are loved and valued and cherished and treasured and wanted and desired for no other reason than you are you.

I love you.